I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
from whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth.
(Psalm 121:1, 2)

Face of Man

Face of Man
Jacqueline du Pre

Saturday, February 16, 2008

My Search Ends at Your Doorstep

These days, I often think of thinking about serious and important thoughts.
And I search for ways to find what I am thinking. In this new enterprise of mine,
I find myself walking alone in the forest. And I am so obsessed that I even let
My past catch up with me. I am glad that they bother to show up. So that
I could ask them a few questions of really genuine importance.

I allow loneliness to drizzle like rain so that I can ask them too.
What is that I want to know from the lichens and the moss?
What is it that I want to differentiate a tree from a stone?
How does an inverted circle look like? Can a man love others
Without loving himself?

But when I ask them the questions, none would stick with me.
They would fall behind me one after another
Pretending to be lost in deep thoughts of their own.
I did not care if they stuck with me or fell behind me.
I kept walking in the midst of my solitude.
I wanted to get at the edge of all questions before the nightfall.
I am in haste. There is too little time and too few hours in a day.
There are too many things I wanted to make friends with.
There are too many friends I wanted to break bread with.
This way I arrive from one part of my past to another without knowing
What I need to know and without finding what I need to find.

In the middle of my solitary walk if I happen to see
A horned-bill woodpecker pecking away at the dead wood,
I instantly find a kindred spirit in him. I feel he is also after something;
Perhaps, a lost dream or two. But he is too busy to tell me his thoughts.
So I instantly grow a pair of beautiful wings and become a woodpecker.
I too begin pecking at the pages of old and unread trunks of dead trees.
I file away what I find under my feather and plumes.
But they are not what I am looking for.
They are not as important to me as the sun is to a newly germinating seed.
If I had wanted, I could continue to be Gabriel the weaver or so and so.
I could have continued to weave beyond the end of the street.
I could have learned just as much that way without being a woodpecker.

So this way and that way, I move from one dry well to another, and, finally,
Arrive at your doorpost with an empty pail, thirsty and hungry;
Still not knowing what to say when I come face to face with you, O Lord!

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